


talk me down (i wanna hold hands with you)

by WhoTheBuckIsStucky



Series: johnten hell :) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (as you can see that's mostly what's fueling my writing these days so), (at least my brain worms are paying rent?), (im ok i just had a little brain worm that wanted this to happen.), Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Smut, and like . I don't know it's just heavy like, both of my beta readers were like ok so i knew this was going to be sad, but i really didn't expect it to just start at rock bottom already and then also, eventual happy ending I can promise that, i'm just like contributing to johnten propoganda, it's mostly an idiot plot. like always, like dude are you ok, like this started as a joke but now im kind of in it somehow, slowish burn? like not really, so like tw for heavy feelings and like self hatred, somehow dig even DEEPER than that, um also this ended up being like way more depressing than I originally thought it was going to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:33:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26572243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoTheBuckIsStucky/pseuds/WhoTheBuckIsStucky
Summary: It started sudden and quiet, as most things do. One second they were sitting next to each other in bed, just two boys, best friends, and the next moment their phones were discarded on the table and Johnny was pulling Ten into his lap, kissing clumsily but sure. And, just like with everything else they did, they fumbled their way through the sex, but there was something sweet in their gracelessness and their youth. And before Ten had left for his own room afterwards, Johnny, limbs heavy with drowsiness, had reached out for Ten, and whispered, “this doesn’t change anything between us, right? We’re still friends,” and Ten had nodded. Johnny smiled his familiar smile, dropping his hand back to the mattress.And just like that, sudden and quiet, Ten fell in love.///most chapters will have smut, i think so... yay? but also it's not very sweet until the end, so sorry ab that one***updates every other saturday!***
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, side taeten that is but like they are kind of a big part of it all the same
Series: johnten hell :) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2061408
Comments: 57
Kudos: 292





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> johnten nation rise

It started sudden and quiet, as most things do. One second they were sitting next to each other in bed, just two boys, best friends, and the next moment their phones were discarded on the table and Johnny was pulling Ten into his lap, kissing clumsily but sure. When they broke apart, Johnny’s eyes were shining, and Ten felt like he’d just been thrown into a dryer on high. They had a little unspoken conversation with their eyes, and then Ten said, “I have lube and stuff in my dresser,” and Johnny just nodded for him to go get it. And, just like with everything else they did, they fumbled their way through the sex, but there was something sweet in their gracelessness and their youth. And before Ten had left for his own room afterwards, Johnny, limbs heavy with drowsiness, had reached out for Ten, and whispered, “This doesn’t change anything between us, right? We’re still friends,” and Ten had nodded. Johnny smiled his familiar smile, dropping his hand back to the mattress.

And just like that, sudden and quiet, Ten fell in love.

It was horrible, because Johnny wasn’t gay, but he also wasn’t _not_ gay, either, you know? That’s how it always was, when Ten was growing up. He always ended up with the ones that swore up and down they were straight, except they definitely weren’t. But he was kind of used to it at this point, and given he didn’t really have access to anybody else, and wasn’t allowed to date anyway, he figured it was better than nothing. He could do the friends-with-benefits thing with his best friend, right? He could do it without it tearing him apart.

He really tried to convince himself of it, anyway. They were using each other, that was all. Johnny needed an easy way to get off, and so did Ten, and if Johnny was pretending that Ten was a girl, then Ten could pretend that Johnny actually liked him. It was only fair. The hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach would probably disagree, but nobody was asking. And if he felt terribly empty and alone after every time they fucked, well, nobody needed to know about that, either.

Because how do you say something like that? How do you say you’re in love with your best and first friend? Ten felt dirty, predatory just thinking about it. Sometimes he worried he coerced Johnny into it somehow. It wasn’t that Johnny didn’t know he was gay. Everyone knew he was gay. Johnny just thought it didn’t mean anything to him at all. Or, at least that Ten thought he was kind of cute, but that was it. He wasn’t sure. All he knew was he’d been waiting since the beginning for the moment where he slipped up, and Johnny found out, and called him a disgusting faggot (or, likely, something a little less extreme, but equally hurtful), and then never spoke to him again. 

So here they were, a few months later, still training hard, Johnny watching one of his best friends enjoy success he’d been promised up until the last fucking minute, still young, still clumsy, still stupid. Johnny, still not really willing to talk about it. Ten, still in love.

And maybe it was because Johnny was kind of the only one that Ten could really talk to—Mark was a little young, still, so he didn’t feel like they could connect, Jaehyun was too quiet, and nobody else spoke English. They’d become close early on, and one thing led to another, and it just ended up this way.

_This way_ , meaning Johnny curled into Ten’s side, cried out from a frustrating day; Ten running his fingers up and down his back, comforting him as best he could. 

“They’re never gonna let me debut,” Johnny muttered.

“That’s not true,” Ten said immediately.

“Easy for you to say,” Johnny replied. “You’re perfect, even if you’ve only been training for a year or two. You’re a great vocalist, and you’re the best dancer out of all the rookies.”

“That’s not true,” Ten repeated. “I have a lot of work to do, just like the rest of us.”

“You’re all gonna debut, and they’re gonna act like I’ll be in the lineup, too, and then they’ll hold me back,” Johnny said. “It’ll be like EXO all over again.”

“No, it won’t,” Ten soothed, threading his fingers in Johnny’s thick hair. “I won’t let them.”

Johnny just let out a huff of laughter. “Sehun said the same thing.”

“They can’t hold you back forever,” Ten said. “People will love you. It’ll be okay, you’ll see.”

“Promise you won’t leave me behind? Even if you debut first?” Johnny asked, twisting to look up at him, and Ten nodded. 

“Promise,” Ten said softly, bringing a hand to rest against Johnny’s cheek.

Johnny sat up, turning back around as he did so he was still facing Ten. “Thank you,” he said, leaning in close, and Ten closed his eyes. He let Johnny push him back against the pillows, lips on lips. Johnny swung a leg over Ten’s, straddling his thighs, and Ten drew him closer with a hand on the nape of his neck. And it _hurt_ , oh god, it hurt, to have him but not _have_ him, but that was the deal Ten struck with himself at the very beginning, and he wouldn’t be backing down now.

Johnny’s lips were on his neck, and Ten didn’t stop him when he felt teeth graze against his skin. They didn’t have any schedules coming up, and as long as there was no one to see, the managers turned a blind eye. Maybe some of the other trainees would wonder where he got them, but he knew no one would ask. Lots of them had weird little unspoken agreements like this. They weren’t the only ones.

Ten reached to the side, managing to yank open the drawer of his bedside table and extract the lube and a condom. Johnny noticed, and tugged at the waistband of Ten’s sweats till he lifted his hips so he could pull first them, and then his underwear, off. He rolled to the side a little to give Ten room to work himself open.

Ten made quick work of it. He knew he should try to protect his body a little more, but he kinda wanted it to hurt. It was his punishment for being the way he was, for letting this get so out of hand. Johnny didn’t watch, just stared at the wall behind him as he undressed and slicked up his cock, still partially lost in his hurt and anxiety. Ten wasn’t sure if he wanted him looking, anyway. He was pretty sure he preferred the blatant detachment to faked intimacy. He was pretty sure it wouldn’t be as hard to let go.

“Okay,” he said softly when he was tired of waiting. He moved to his hands and knees, and Johnny got into position behind him. When he pressed in, it hurt just like Ten knew it would, but he bit his lip and didn’t make a sound. Johnny never spoke when they were fucking, so Ten didn’t either. Johnny pressed his palm into the space between Ten’s shoulder blades, and Ten let him fuck him like that, half-suffocating on shitty sheets.

Ten snaked a hand between his body and the mattress, tugging on his own cock in time with Johnny’s thrusts. As weird and tumultuous as it was, there was a tiny, tiny part of him that got off on Johnny not knowing what he was really thinking. It was some distorted form of voyeurism, he thought. It was the part of him that had him convinced that when he died, he would be denied heaven. Still, he gave into it this time. He gave into it every time.

Johnny was panting above him, and even though he didn’t really know what he was doing, even though there was no finesse to it, Ten was already hard and aching. He kind of hated himself for it.

But the self-hatred could wait until Johnny was gone. Right now, he was focused on coming, partially because he knew he wouldn’t have it in him later, when he was alone. Johnny hit his prostate and Ten squeezed his eyes shut, half of him imagining Johnny being mean, so mean the way Ten knew he deserved, fucking him raw and hard, not to make him feel good, but to hurt him for being so selfish, such a pervert. He imagined Johnny snarling in his ear that he was depraved and dirty, that nobody could save him. Ten would cry because he knew he was right.

But the other half of him, the half that made his heart bruise and rot like spoiled fruit, imagined Johnny kissing him, sweet and soft, pads of his fingers brushing Ten’s cheek as he fucked him slow and gentle. He imagined being cradled in Johnny’s arms, big hands holding him in place. He imagined Johnny looking at him tenderly, calling him _baby_ , telling him he was beautiful. 

He realized with a jolt that he was coming, and it brought him crashing back to reality, ripped away from the saccharine clutches of his daydream. He shuddered through it, clenching his jaw so hard it hurt so he wouldn’t make any noise, so it wouldn’t disturb Johnny. It wasn’t like he was trying to hide it—not that he could, with the way his hole was spasming around Johnny’s cock—but he didn’t want to do anything that would surprise Johnny or squick him out. As much as he resented their little arrangement, he wasn’t really sure what he would do without it. At least it was something.

Johnny gasped softly, blowing out harsh exhales that sent goosebumps scattering across the skin of Ten’s back. His thrusts grew more erratic, more staccato, and Ten basked in the faintest hints of his voice bleeding through his breath as he came.

They were still for a moment, and then Johnny pulled out, going to toss the used condom in the trash as Ten reached for some tissues. He should shower, at least, and probably change his sheets so they didn’t stain, but the mess wasn’t big enough, and he didn’t care enough. Johnny hovered at the edge of the bed. Stillness filled the room. Ten wasn’t about to break it, just kept scrubbing at his sheets with the tissue to have something to do while he waited for Johnny to speak.

“I’m gonna go shower,” Johnny finally mumbled softly. “Thanks for—thanks for listening. Um, we should probably both sleep, since we have practice tomorrow morning. So… I’ll see you at breakfast.”

“Okay.” Ten whispered, barely flashing his gaze up long enough to make eye contact.

Ten wished he could ask him to stay. He wished he was brave enough, selfish enough, but he let Johnny slip away instead, catching his breath. The door closed behind him, and Ten buried his face in his pillow, and cried. It felt all wrong; Johnny didn’t know how much he thought about him, _how_ he thought about him, how he wished they could actually talk about it so they could do more. Johnny didn’t know how he pined; how he got jealous; how when he was jacking off in the shower it was Johnny he thought of; when he couldn’t sleep at night, it was Johnny’s hands and Johnny’s eyes that he imagined, a fictional comfort. Even the most frail, unstable, and unsustainable of crutches was better than nothing at all. He knew it would come back to bite him in the ass eventually.

It was his own fault, really. He could’ve been smart and fallen in love with someone who was already at home in their own gayness, like Taeyong, or like Yuta, but instead, he chose his straight best friend, and now he had to pay the price.

But in spite of his guilt, and his heartbreak, Ten knew he didn’t regret choosing it; knew he’d keep choosing it, again and again and again, no matter how much it cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [insert "i am fucking crazy.... but i am free" gif here lol]
> 
> i think this is how i cope with having shit to do. anyway, thanks for reading! tumblr [here](https://kjmsupremacist.tumblr.com/about)!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has absolutely nothing to do with halloween unless you find feelings spooky it just so happens that halloween is on a saturday

The next thing Ten knew, this had been going on for a year. The company was gearing up for something, putting them on their own little reality shows, giving a few of them the chance to do Stations with other artists, releasing dance practices. They were all a little nervous. And then one day, Ten was pulled into a meeting with Taeyong, Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Mark. They’d been handed schedules and told to prepare for debut.

Ten looked around the table, his heart plummeting to the floor. He wanted to be excited—and he _was_ —but it felt cheap. He had no idea what he was going to tell Johnny.

He didn’t want him to hear it from anybody else, though, so as soon as they were dismissed, he rushed back to the dorms and burst into Johnny’s room. Johnny looked up from his phone, so startled one of his earbuds fell out of his ear. 

“Hey,” he said. “Thought you had a meeting.”

“It just ended.” Ten sat down on the edge of Johnny’s bed, creasing and un-creasing the sheets between his fingers. “I’m gonna be in the first subunit of—of NCT.” The name felt unfamiliar on his tongue; strange, and stupid. “Me, and Taeyong, Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Mark. I’m sorry.”

Johnny was silent for a moment. “It’s not your fault,” he said finally, sighing.

“It’s not—they’re going to be debuting more and more subunits soon,” Ten said. “So it’s not like they’re just leaving you. I’m sure you’ll be in the next one. And who knows? Maybe I won’t be. You know?”

“There’s no way you won’t be,” Johnny said. His voice shook with his conviction and his grief. “Maybe I should—maybe I should just go home,” he said. His voice broke. “I mean, I tried hard, right? It’s been so long.”

“Please don’t,” Ten said. Maybe he was begging. “Just wait a little longer.”

Johnny just shook his head, and Ten let him rest against his shoulder as he cried. He kept repeating that it didn’t change anything, but they both knew he was lying. Everything would be different. Ten would have all kinds of commitments, and he wouldn’t have a lot of time for Johnny anymore. He certainly wouldn’t be able to fuck as often—he’d have to keep his body in top shape, and he couldn’t risk anything messing that up. 

Ten was leaving Johnny behind, just like he promised he wouldn’t. Johnny didn’t say it, but Ten knew he was thinking it. It wasn’t like Ten could do anything about it; they had very little say over their lives, but it still felt like it. Ten knew.

Ten was leaving Johnny behind, and he was leaving a little bit of himself behind, too.

And in reality, it wasn’t so bad. He still had free time in the evenings. Johnny would come visit and they would talk and play video games until Ten had to put himself to bed. There wasn’t a whole lot to say, though. Johnny wasn’t doing anything terribly exciting—or at least, that was what he told Ten—and Ten didn’t want to say too much about his day-to-day, because he knew it would just make Johnny sad, so a lot of their conversations felt like reruns. Johnny would always try to warm up to him with the same banter before they started kissing, which of course always led to something else. But it was okay. Johnny’s jokes were still funny, no matter how many times Ten heard them.

And Ten, Ten was so good at hurting himself. He thought maybe now Johnny would be willing to actually discuss their arrangement, or what they meant to each other, but the only thing that changed was that they didn’t actually fuck much anymore—instead, they mostly just made out and jerked off. Everything else was the same though; they both always left right after, and Ten’s empty feeling only grew.

It’s not that he expected—what, love? But he had to admit there was a little romantic side of him that thought maybe something would come of it. He thought maybe Johnny would get more comfortable, and stay to cuddle after, maybe stay the night. Not sexual, not platonic. Not quite anything, really. But something different than what they were currently doing. 

Once the music video was released, though, things got busier. Ten had music show performances, variety show filming, fansigns—he got up early each day and didn’t get home until late, when he was exhausted. It wasn’t that he was complaining—he loved the work, and was grateful for it. It was just really hard, because he knew Johnny was always waiting for him.

He knew he wasn’t making it up, either, because one night there was a little lull in their conversation, and then—

“Thank you for trying to stick with me,” Johnny said quietly. “I know it’s not easy, and inevitably you’ll have less and less time for me, but…” He sighed. “I appreciate you trying anyway.”

Ten blinked, looking over at him in surprise. His words felt caught in his throat. “I’ll always have time for you,” he said, trying to sound casual even though he kind of felt like he was confessing to him. 

“You mean that?” Johnny asked, turning towards him. Ten didn’t know exactly what Johnny was asking, but he nodded anyway, pulling Johnny closer and letting him kiss him. Johnny hooked his hands on Ten’s waistband, and Ten lifted his hips—this, at least, was familiar. This part was easy. Regardless of everything else, they had taken each other’s clothes off countless times before. Ten let the silence swallow the expectancy of the moment, hearing his clothes fall to the floor with a soft _whump._

“I can—” Ten gestured between them. “—tonight, I don’t have anything big tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Johnny replied as he tugged off his own shirt. Ten reached for the lube, fumbling slightly, and went to open it, but Johnny stopped him. Confused, Ten looked up. “Um, let me,” Johnny said, not quite meeting Ten’s eye. Ten didn’t know how to react. “It’s—it’s probably easier if I do it, right?” he continued. “Plus my fingers are bigger than yours.”

“Um, yeah,” Ten agreed, handing the lube over and flipping over onto his hands and knees. 

It was a little awkward—even after a year, Johnny was still unfamiliar with Ten’s body. But it was also clear that Johnny had a pretty good idea of what he was doing. Ten wasn’t sure if he’d practiced on himself, or somebody else, or just watched a lot of porn—maybe some combination of the three—but within minutes he had Ten biting his pillow so hard he thought it might rip between his teeth to hide his gasps. Johnny’s fingers were _much_ bigger than Ten’s; he could feel it. There was no hiding how hard his cock was from Johnny. In this position, ass up and head down, Johnny could see everything. It made Ten’s skin prickle a little in discomfort, but Johnny hadn’t rejected him yet, so it also gave him hope, fed the decaying vortex on the side of his heart—turned any crumb of attention that could be mistaken for affection into rot.

Johnny had three fingers in him now, working in and out with ease. He curled his fingers a little every few thrusts, brushing Ten’s prostate every time. Ten felt weak; he knew he could come like this, and he probably would if Johnny didn’t stop soon. Reluctantly, he unclenched his jaw and raised his head just a little so that Johnny could hear him.

“I’m ready,” he said, forcing his voice to remain steady.

Johnny didn’t reply, just withdrew his fingers and shuffled behind him. Ten stayed still, not really sure what to do with himself. This was new—it was _good_ —but he was scared of ruining it. 

This time, when Johnny pressed his cock into him, it didn’t burn as much as it usually did. Ten bit back a sigh, trying not to rock his hips back, instead pushing himself up onto his elbows a little so he had room between his body and the bed for his arm, so he could jerk himself off. 

It was largely the same as before, but something was different, still—it was warmer, somehow. Ten felt like his mind was actually inside of his body, and though he was still muffling his moans, he didn’t have to close his eyes and pretend he was somewhere else. Johnny’s hands were on his waist, holding him in place, and it was still clumsy, and neither of them really knew what they were doing, but it was sweet. 

And when Johnny came, Ten could’ve sworn he said his name. Either way, before he left he passed Ten a towel and gave him a kiss, one hand on his cheek.

They still didn’t talk about it in the following days. Ten hadn’t really expected it; he was happy enough with the small changes as it was. Johnny usually kissed Ten before he left now; their conversations felt more natural, too. It was almost like they didn’t have to dance around it as much, for some reason. It wasn’t much, but at least it was finally going somewhere; at least now, Ten could kiss Johnny offhand and it wasn’t weird; at least now, when Johnny ran his hands over Ten’s arms, fingers trailing on fingers, nonchalant while they were watching a movie, Ten didn’t worry as much that he wanted something else. 

When they kissed, it felt different, too. It felt like Johnny was actually kissing _him_ , not just a convenient pair of lips attached to a willing body, but him, _Ten_ —he held him in his lap, running his big hands up and down Ten’s back and Ten couldn’t stop himself from marveling how he fit there perfectly.

It was where he was now, chest pressed to Johnny’s, shirts half unbuttoned, a forgotten TV show playing quietly in the background. They were kind of playing a game of tug of war with their kisses, leaning back and forth and back again, chasing each other’s lips around, barely coming up for air. Johnny’s hands were on Ten’s hips; Ten had his arms draped over Johnny’s shoulders. Though Ten’s hair was cropped short for his debut, Johnny’s was still long and fluffy, sweeping low over his eyebrows. It was endearing, and Ten ran his hands through it when they broke apart, pushing it to the side a little to get it out of Johnny’s eyes. 

Johnny smiled softly, letting him mess with it a little before pulling him close again, lips over his collarbone. Ten could feel his cock under him, and he wanted desperately to grind down on it, but he knew better than to push it. Johnny’s breath was hot against Ten’s skin, and though Ten had schedules the next day, he only bit his lip when he felt Johnny’s tongue and his teeth. It was kind of high, too, up where his neck met his collar, but he didn’t care.

Johnny pulled back to survey his work, looking almost thoughtful, and then his eyes widened, and he slapped a hand over his mouth, eyes flying to Ten’s. “Oh, shit,” he said, muffled by his palm. “Oh, _shit_ , you guys have filming tomorrow.”

“It’s okay,” Ten said quickly, taking a delicate hold of Johnny’s wrist, trying to take his hand away so he could kiss him. “I don’t mind. The makeup noonas will conceal it, anyway.”

Johnny just leaned back, shaking his head. “Still,” he murmured. “We can’t—that’s not—like, you can get in trouble for that now.”

“Johnny,” Ten insisted. “It’s _okay_. I’ll be fine. Chances are my clothes will cover it anyway.”

“No, I—no.” Johnny looked _scared_ , and Ten didn’t know what to do to make him feel better. He nudged Ten a little, pushing him off his lap and onto the mattress beside him. 

“Johnny,” Ten repeated, voice smaller now. Johnny stood, and Ten frowned.

“I can’t tonight, Ten,” Johnny said. He didn’t even try to look him in the eye. “Not after—I just can’t.”

“Okay.” It wasn’t like Ten would force him to. “It’s okay, Johnny, really,” he added. “I’m not saying that to—to convince you to, or whatever. I just don’t want you to worry. It’ll be okay.”

Johnny just shrugged. “I’m sorry anyway,” he said, and then he was gone.

Ten went to sleep that night feeling anxious and hollow. He was right about the hickey though—his clothes mostly covered it up, and it didn’t matter anyway, since the makeup noonas did a great job with it. They barely batted an eye, just set to work, and within an instant, it had disappeared under a layer of color-correcting primer and foundation. 

When he got back, though, Johnny was back to being aloof around him. He didn’t even ask about it the next night when he came over, even though he could see it, clear as day on Ten’s neck where it was starting to yellow. Their conversation felt stunted once again, and when they fucked, Johnny didn’t touch him like he had been. _See?_ Ten told himself one afternoon, lingering by the counter, taking his time finishing a soda so he could watch Johnny out of the corner of his eye. _This is what happens when you get too greedy. You were too comfortable with him, and now you’re back to square one. Would you just learn your lesson?_

But he looked over at Johnny, with his gentle features and bright smile ( _teasing Mark about something, probably_ ), and he didn’t think he ever would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading! honestly i expected this to get about 5 kudos cus it was rly self indulgent so i do appreciate the support. but also like .... are you all ok? does anybody need a hug?
> 
> tumbler [here](https://kjmsupremacist.tumblr.com/about)!


	3. three

It remained awkward for a while, especially after Ten was done promoting the 7th Sense, especially when 127 debuted—without either of them. Johnny was upset about it; how could he not be? But he didn’t really talk to Ten about it like he used to. They still fucked—more, now that neither of them were that busy, but they rarely talked. It was always strained when they did; Ten felt like he was pressing his hands against glass, trying to get Johnny to hear him, all in vain. 

And the truth was, they needed each other less and less now. Ten’s Korean was much better; he was close with the other members of the 7th Sense subunit, and didn’t have only Johnny to go to when he wanted to talk about something difficult. Taeyong was a kind and open listener; Jaehyun had nice shoulders to lean on when they were watching a movie; Mark was cute and sweet, and happy to distract Ten whenever he was sad; Doyoung was great for when Ten needed some sense smacked into him. So it was good. So what if he and Johnny were drifting apart? No one ever said it had to be for forever. Ten wouldn’t miss him after a while, right? And it’s not like he didn’t try. Johnny was the one that had made it awkward. Johnny took a step back first. Ten was only following his lead, because he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

These sorts of thoughts ran around Ten’s head all day long. Every day, it only got worse. He knew he’d committed himself to things being this way—detached, meaningless—but he was starting to regret it now. And then, Johnny found out he was going to be added to the 127 lineup for their January comeback. Suddenly, it was Johnny who was busy everyday while Ten sat waiting at home. When they did have time to fuck, it was quick and harsh; Ten usually prepped himself just in case, so that Johnny wouldn’t have to wait, so he could get what he wanted and then go to bed.

The night before the music video for Limitless was released, Johnny came back to the dorm even later than usual. Ten wasn’t asleep yet, though he’d kind of been thinking about it, so when the knock came on his door, he sat up and told Johnny to come in.

It was the same as always—a nearly wordless exchange, Ten pressed between Johnny and the sheets. And as he was rocked with each of Johnny’s thrusts, Ten knew what he had to do. The decision was made, sudden and quiet, and once they had both come, and Johnny was gathering his things, ready to leave, Ten drew a breath.

“I don’t think we should keep doing this,” he said softly. “We—we’ll be doing very different things with ourselves. And we don’t really need each other anymore.”

Johnny was silent for a moment, taking his time tying the strings of his sweatpants. And then—“Okay.” He didn’t even turn around. “That’s fine.”

Ten didn’t know what he was expecting, but his heart sank all the same. “Good luck tomorrow,” he forced out.

“Thanks.” And just like that, sudden and quiet, Johnny was gone.

Ten knew he should be relieved. It was over; he could dust his hands of this strange, terrible period of his life and move on. But as much as he knew it had been the right thing to do, he couldn’t help but miss it a little bit. He’d spend all his nights alone now, without even the illusion of comfort and companionship. He’d lost his best friend.

_Really, I lost him the second we started this_ , he admitted to himself as he crawled out of bed to shower. _We knew from the start this would end, and end badly._

It was just as lonely as he expected. Johnny didn’t even nod hello when they passed each other in the halls. Luckily, he was usually busy with promotions, so Ten rarely saw him. And soon after promotions ended, Ten was given a solo song to prepare for, so he was too busy to really worry about it. And somehow, months passed without them speaking. Ten threw himself into his work, and hoped Johnny had, too.

And then, one day at practice, Ten didn’t come out of a turn quite right, and he was crumpling to the floor. His knees had always been weak, but apparently he’d pushed them too hard, because he was getting shuttled off to the doctor’s and scheduled for surgery. Once he got over the initial panic that he may never walk again, let alone dance, he settled into a light haze of depression. Recovery was strange and slow, and worst of all, there was little to distract Ten from his feelings.

He wished he still had Johnny, so he could go to him for comfort, so he could pretend to fall asleep on his shoulder during a movie and be carried to bed, cradled in Johnny’s strong arms. He wished he could tell Johnny he was scared, and have Johnny tell him everything would be fine. He’d believe it if it was him.

It wasn’t that Ten was utterly alone. He’d grown close to Taeyong over the last few months. Taeyong, kind and good; always popping his head into Ten’s room to see if he needed anything, always free to give Ten a hug and a smile, always there to listen. And after weeks and weeks of Taeyong’s patience, Ten couldn’t help but open up to him and his gentle, understanding eyes. Taeyong sat with him and pet his hair as he explained how everything happened between him and Johnny, how stupid he had been. And Taeyong just nodded and soothed him, pressed kisses to his forehead and promised it would be okay. And Ten almost believed him. Looking up at him as he stood and bid him goodnight, his pretty eyelashes and sharp jaw, Ten felt his heart thrum in his chest. _I could see myself with him_ , he thought. _Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad._

It was hard to even begin thinking about, though. For one, it wasn’t like his feelings for Johnny were going to disappear overnight. Ten hated himself for still being so hung up on him; it’s not like he was the love of his life, right? He was tired of it, and impatient to move on. He mentioned this to Taeyong at one point, that he was so sick of being trapped in his own sadness, that he wished he could just get over it.

“You love him,” Taeyong pointed out. “Of course it takes time.”

“I don’t love him,” Ten lied. “Besides, love doesn’t matter for us, does it?”

“I suppose not,” Taeyong murmured, eyes far away. “Not for a long while, at least.”

“I like him, sure,” Ten acquiesced. “But it’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

“Do you need to, though?” Taeyong said. “Why don’t you talk to him?”

“He’s never really been one for talking,” Ten replied, wry. Taeyong just gave him a look, but he didn’t press. 

Late spring bled into early summer this way. Ten still didn’t talk to Johnny; Johnny still didn’t acknowledge Ten’s presence. Ten knew he had to know how close he’d gotten with Taeyong. He hoped he wondered what they were up to. Not that it mattered; they weren’t up to anything. _Yet_. Until one night, halfway through one of Taeyong’s Japanese animations, when Ten had enough of Taeyong’s awkward fidgeting.

“What is it?” he asked gently. “You seem like you have something on your mind. You always listen to me, so just go for it.”

Taeyong just gave him an almost petulant look. “I don’t know. It almost feels cruel.”

“If it’s that you like Johnny, I won’t be mad. Good luck, though.” Ten said, a little too derisive. 

“No, I’m not interested in Johnny,” Taeyong said with a laugh. “Unlike you, I don’t go for the straight ones.”

“Then what?”

“I might be interested in you.”

“Oh.” Ten blinked. “Oh, I see. And what if I was interested in you?”

“Well, I don’t know. What about Johnny?” Taeyong asked. “I won’t be his stand-in.”

“You wouldn’t be a stand-in,” Ten said, rolling his eyes. “I liked Johnny because he was my first real friend here. We were young. But you’re different. I feel safe with you.”

“Why does everybody say that to me?” Taeyong muttered, but he was smiling. 

“Is that okay? That I liked him, still like him a little, and I also like you?” Ten fidgeted with his hands. “It’s not like I’m trying to replace him. You feel completely different, and I mean that in the best way possible. Different is good.”

“Yeah, that’s okay,” Taeyong said. “I don’t mind, as long as you’re honest with me.”

“I can do that,” Ten agreed. 

Taeyong slept in his bed that night, and it wasn’t until Ten woke the next morning that he realized how much he’d missed having someone next to him like this. And Taeyong _was_ different from Johnny in almost every way, and Ten _really_ liked that. He was small and cute and pretty, and he actually acted like he wanted Ten. He whined and cried so pretty when they fucked, clung like Ten was precious to him. He pressed close to him when he cuddled after, held Ten’s hand when they slept. And it wasn’t necessarily that they were in love, but Ten didn’t mind. It was actually something. When they were separated, Ten knew Taeyong missed him the way Ten missed Taeyong. With Johnny, he’d always had to wonder.

When late summer came around, after 127 finished touring, they both had all the time in the world. While Johnny was spending his time playing video games with Donghyuck, Ten spent his time fucking Taeyong and covering him with kisses. All the days felt warm, bathed in a golden light only shadowed by the bitterness of Johnny’s absence. Because as much as he hated to admit it, Ten still thought of him, still wanted him, still loved him. Some nights, the grief felt almost overwhelming. He wasn’t just mourning a partner; he was mourning a friend. He missed the way they could talk with their eyes; the way one word could make both of them burst out laughing. He longed for the language they had built together. Nobody else knew how to speak it. It didn’t help that now that they all had very limited schedules, Ten saw him all the time.

And if Johnny noticed the hickeys that littered Taeyong’s body, he didn’t say anything, didn’t ask. It wasn’t that Ten was using Taeyong to make him jealous, but in his worst moments, he kind of hoped it still had that effect. But of course, he also didn’t ask. He didn’t say anything at all.

Some nights, Taeyong would catch Ten unraveling himself. He’d take Ten’s face in his soft hands, and say, “Hey, hey, where’d you go?”

“Did I do something wrong?” Ten asked him once. Even he could hear the anguish in his voice. “I feel it, regret, sitting in my stomach. But I don’t know what it’s for. What _could_ I have done?”

“I can’t answer that for you,” Taeyong said, gentle and understanding as ever; good and kind. “But if it’s about Johnny, I don’t think it’s ever too late.”

Ten just shook his head, closing his eyes and drawing Taeyong closer. “It’s far too late,” he murmured. “It’s been far too late for quite some time. There’s nothing left there. I only wish I could let it go.”

“Maybe there’s a good reason you can’t,” Taeyong suggested quietly. 

“I can’t imagine what it would be,” Ten said.

Taeyong just huffed and shuffled closer so he could kiss his jaw. “Okay, silly,” he said. “Then just put it away for now. Sleep. You’ll have plenty of time to worry in the morning, and lord knows you’ll use it.”

Despite himself, Ten found himself laughing alongside Taeyong’s tentative giggles. It was nice, but it raised a lump in his throat all the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u again to everyone who's taken it upon themselves to love this silly little fic! I guess i just didn't realize how popular johnten was :o maybe i'll write more in the future
> 
> [tumblr](https://kjmsupremacist.tumblr.com/about)


	4. Chapter 4

Taeyong shook Ten awake, more urgent now than the first time he tried about fifteen minutes prior. “Hey, seriously,” he said when Ten just groaned and rolled over. “We’re gonna be late.”

“We’re both good at dancing,” Ten said, voice muffled by the pillows. “We’ll be able to pick up the slack.”

“I’m bigger than you,” Taeyong replied unnecessarily, now tugging on Ten’s arm. “I’ll drag you out of bed and sling you over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and carry you there myself, and you can explain to the teachers and managers why you’re in your underwear.”

“Alright, alright, I’m up.” Ten shoved Taeyong off of him.

“Hurry,” Taeyong said, rolling his eyes and scooting back out the door.

Ten sighed, and forced himself out of the comforting warmth of his blankets. He got dressed and brushed his teeth at the same time, too preoccupied with his thoughts to really pay attention to either task. He had his first choreography lesson for Baby Don’t Stop, a new song he was working with Taeyong on, this morning. The managers appreciated their chemistry and decided to give them a duet track for the upcoming project. They would spend all winter preparing.

It wasn’t this that had Ten worried, though. It was everything else; they were doing a full group album, which meant Ten wouldn’t be able to avoid seeing Johnny. They’d be recording together, practicing together, shooting together, dancing together. And yeah, Ten had no doubt he could keep it locked down on camera—king of repressing his feelings, right? It was after he was worried about—it was the walking away from smiling for a photo together without a word shared between them that had Ten wishing he could rip his stupid heart out of his chest with his bare hands. He’d do it if it would help; he’d break past his ribs and close his fist tight around the slippery muscle, and pull and pull and pull until he couldn’t feel it anymore.

But it wouldn’t help, and there was no escaping it. And Ten was running late. So there wasn’t anything to do but put it aside and hope for the best.

Preparation for Baby Don’t Stop went well; Ten had a solo song coming up as well, so he was working on New Heroes simultaneously. As tired as he was, and as worried for his knee as he was, he was grateful for the nonstop work. He didn’t have the chance to think about the weird little interactions he had with Johnny. It was good, too, because he and the Boss unit had to go to Ukraine to shoot, so it took him away from Johnny for a while. He had fun rekindling old friendships and making new ones, and at night he was too exhausted to be sad. Taeyong snuck into his hotel room and curled up at his side, nose pressed to his sternum. Things were good.

But then came the hardest part. Granted, training for Black on Black was always in big groups, so he was never alone with him, but Ten could always feel Johnny’s presence even if he was across the room. He could swear Johnny was looking at him, but from what he could reasonably prove, he hadn’t spared him a glance. When they did lives and interviews together, Ten was sure to be friendly—fans knew they’d been close, after all—and he was touchy when he could get away with it, but once they were done recording, he escaped before Johnny could corner him. It wasn’t for lack of trying, either—Johnny had definitely tried to pull Ten aside with a soft “hey, do you have a minute?” Ten just never let him.

Taeyong did corner him, though. “You’re playing with him,” he accused softly. “And that’s not fair to anybody—including me.”

Ten sighed. “I’m not playing with him,” he insisted. “You know we have to pretend for the camera. It’s not like I can ignore him; people will talk.”

“Then talk to him,” Taeyong said. “You can’t go on like this.”

“I’m fine,” Ten said. “And so is he.”

“Ten.” Taeyong wasn’t angry, even though Ten recognized that he probably should be. “What you and I have is fun, okay? But we both know it was never going to last. We both know it’s always going to be him, for you. And probably you for him. And Ten, that’s okay. It’s okay, but you have to actually talk to him. No,” he cut Ten off when he opened his mouth. “I don’t care if you think he won’t want to talk about it, or you think the ball is in his court, or whatever other bullshit you’re going to give me. Stop making excuses so you can continue to wallow. You’re so determined to make your life a tragedy, but it doesn’t have to be, you know?”

“I’m fine,” Ten repeated. “Please, Taeyong, I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to deal with it.”

“You need to,” Taeyong said firmly. “I’m not going to do this—“ he gestured between them “—until you at least try.”

“Taeyong, wait—” But Taeyong’s name was called by a manager, and Ten was left to sulk.

Ten almost wanted Taeyong to be right—wouldn’t that be sweet? If Johnny actually cared, if talking to him would fix everything? But Ten couldn’t bear the very real possibility that Taeyong could be wrong.

But once the idea was in his head, Ten couldn’t shake it. He wanted to; he’d watch Johnny out of the corner of his eye and suddenly touching him was all he wanted. Maybe he could go talk to him about it; maybe that was all it would take. But then he thought about what that would take, and he just didn’t think he could stomach it.

True to his word, Taeyong went back to being just a friend. Ten didn’t push it, of course, and he had to admit it was a pretty effective strategy for getting him to even consider reconciling with Johnny. What also helped was the way Johnny’s touches seemed to linger now; the way he would try to hold eye contact before Ten got scared and looked away.

Promotions dragged on through the spring and summer, and still Ten couldn’t bring himself to talk to Johnny about any of it. He kept making up excuses—they needed to be on their best behavior, they had something in the morning, they were too busy—but he was quickly running out of them. And one rainy afternoon back at the dorms, he couldn’t stand it anymore. Luckily, Taeyong was Johnny’s roommate, so all he had to do was march over to Johnny’s room and give Taeyong a look for them to be alone. He slipped out the door without a word, leaving Johnny and Ten to stare at each other.

“I think we need to talk,” Ten said, after a moment of silence, leaning back against the closed door.

Johnny huffed out a laugh, nodding. “I think we do.” He glanced at him, expression unreadable. “I tried, you know, earlier.”

“I know. I’m—I’m sorry.” Ten picked at his nails, anxious. “I miss you,” he said softly.

“I miss you, too,” Johnny replied immediately.

“We can’t go back to how it was before, though,” Ten said.

“No, we can’t.”

They were silent again. Ten didn’t know what to say to make it better, didn’t know what to do with his hands or his eyes. The silence grew, and it felt like it was closing in on him, almost; it filled the room until there wasn’t any air left for Ten to breathe. 

“It’s okay if you don’t like me like that,” Ten said finally. _Rip the bandaid off? Amputate the finger to save the hand?_ “We don’t have to—be a couple, or whatever. I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is not being friends with you.”

“You think I don’t want that? Being together?” Johnny asked, and that stops Ten short. “I just—I never knew how. Besides, it’s not like I could ever imagine that you’d want somebody like me. And when I saw you with Taeyong—I thought I was right.”

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Ten asked.

“I—yeah, maybe,” Johnny said. “Why?”

Ten couldn’t stop himself from laughing at that. “No, seriously. Johnny.” He peeled himself off the wall, crossing to Johnny. Johnny gave him a sort of sideways smile, letting Ten take his hands and fold them between his own. “Johnny,” Ten repeated, softer. “How could I not want you?”

Johnny shifted under his gaze. “I’m not—this isn’t how I’m supposed to be, right? I should be pretty and slender. Like Taeyong. Like you.”

“That’s stupid, and you know it,” Ten said. “Johnny, you’re beautiful, and I want you so much it hurts, but how was I supposed to know that was okay with you when you never opened up to me? That’s why I said we had to stop, you know—I thought it didn’t mean anything, and I didn’t want that anymore.”

“I’m sorry.” Johnny squeezed Ten’s hands. “It wasn’t like that, I promise. I just didn’t know what to do with myself.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Ten replied. “I should’ve spoken up sooner.” He sighed, letting a bubble of laughter escape with the exhale. “We definitely need to talk about it some more, but can I kiss you? Please?”

“God, yes,” Johnny murmured, pulling him close and catching Ten’s lips as he leaned in. Ten lost his balance and landed clumsily in Johnny’s lap, but Johnny caught him, laughing against his lips. 

Ten felt giddy and warm. _Maybe I should take people’s advice more often_ , he thought to himself as he adjusted his position in Johnny’s lap, knees on either side of Johnny’s legs, toes curling against the duvet, bringing his hands up to Johnny’s cheeks. He rocked forward, and Johnny rolled his hips up in response, swallowing Ten’s soft moan. 

“Oh my god,” Ten said when they broke apart to breathe. “This is so much better.” Johnny flushed, but he was laughing. He slipped his hands under Ten’s shirt, splaying his palms against Ten’s back.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Let’s do it right this time. If that’s alright with you.”

“Please,” Ten snorted. He pushed himself back so that he could stand, shimmying out of his sweats and tugging off his shirt. “That’s all I wanted this whole time.”

Somehow they found themselves balanced precariously on Johnny’s bed, naked, hands roaming each other’s skin. They’d done this hundreds of times before, but even the sweetest moments from Ten’s memories were nothing compared to this. One of Johnny’s hands cradled the back of his neck, and he was murmuring praise and apologies as he worked his way down Ten’s chest with his lips; Ten didn’t stop himself from gasping when he felt his tongue and his teeth.

“You sound so good,” Johnny said, and Ten really could’ve cried. 

Johnny worked him open slow and careful, pausing to check in every now and again, brow furrowed so deep in his focus Ten could only assume he was trying his best to memorize everything. It was electrifying and heady, to be seen this way, but for once Ten felt safe in Johnny’s hands, so this feeling wasn’t accompanied by fear. Johnny kept at it until he had four fingers sliding in and out with ease, until Ten was begging through whimpers for his cock.

As much as Ten was happy to lie back and let Johnny rail him stupid, he didn’t want to just sit and take. He wanted to make Johnny _feel_ him, so before his brain could completely melt in his skull, he grabbed Johnny’s waist.

“Can I ride you? I want to ride you,” he said. 

Johnny raised his head, blinking, and nodded. “Yeah, yeah, okay.”

They shuffled around as quickly as they could. It was awkward and a little uncomfortable, but they were both giggling, and Johnny couldn’t stop pressing sweet little kisses into Ten’s neck as they went, so Ten could hardly complain.

When he was finally settled above Johnny, knees anchored in the mattress, Ten lined himself back up and sank down. Johnny’s eyes were glassy; Ten met his gaze and gave him a smile. As he bottomed out, Johnny covered his face with both his hands and let out a muffled groan.

“Hey.” Ten leaned forward, prying Johnny’s fingers away from his eyes. “Don’t try and hide from me now. It’s too late for that.” Johnny stopped fighting, letting Ten guide his hands away. “I’ve already seen you. I already know you,” Ten said, and Johnny honest-to-god whined, high and thin in the back of his throat.

Ten wasn’t exaggerating; it was maybe the best sound he’d ever heard in his life. He pressed his lips against Johnny’s and started rocking his hips. One hand found its way into Johnny’s hair; he made a fist and held him there. Johnny jerked his hips up weakly to meet Ten’s movements, moaning against his lips.

“Ten,” he breathed out, squeezing one of Ten’s thighs so tight Ten knew he’d be carrying the bruises for weeks. “Oh my fucking _god_ , Ten.”

“Johnny,” Ten whispered back. Johnny wrapped his other hand around Ten’s cock and Ten cried out, trembling. “ _Shit_ , Johnny, please.”

Johnny hummed out a shaky moan, and _okay_. Ten lied. _That_ was the best sound he’d ever heard. 

* * *

The next morning, Ten woke alone. Taeyong had apparently come back sometime the night before, but it must have been after Ten had passed out. He didn’t remember seeing him, but he saw a fresh set of pajamas thrown on his bed, so he must have been there.

He didn’t know for sure, because both Johnny and Taeyong were gone. Ten wondered if they had a schedule, but he didn’t remember anybody saying anything. He sat up, feeling a little strange and cold. _Where did Johnny go?_

But then, he caught sight of a little folded piece of paper on Johnny’s nightstand. Curious, Ten reached out and unfolded it, pressing it flat in his lap.

_Hey Ten,_

_I figured I should let you sleep. I’m taking Taeyong out for coffee_

_to be like “sorry for stealing the room and also your fuckbuddy”_

_lol. you guys should probably talk, too. And so should we. we’ll_

_be back soon. The water is for you._

_— JS_

Ten smiled, grabbing the water bottle that had been next to the note. Yeah, they had a few things to sort out. But Johnny was actually opening up about it, and that was good enough for Ten. 

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and tried to stand; his knees buckled under him and he landed back on the mattress rather ungracefully. It wasn’t from his old injury though; it was just soreness from the night before. He laughed aloud at himself, trying a second time, and making his way to the bathroom on unsteady legs. He passed Yuta on the way, who gave him a once-over with raised eyebrows and wolf-whistled at him as he walked away.

Ten could see why as soon as he flicked on the bathroom light. His hair was sticking up in every direction and he had at least a dozen visible hickeys on his neck and chest around his tank top. Ten watched as a blush rose in his cheeks, but he couldn’t find it in himself to actually feel guilty. He’d spent too much of his life ashamed. Now felt like a pretty good time to move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry for the tardiness!  
> tumblr [here](https://kjmsupremacist.tumblr.com/about)!
> 
> check out my new nct work [here!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27351502)


	5. Chapter 5

Ten was never sure when he became aware that the world wasn’t safe for gay boys. There was no defining moment—it was just that somewhere early on in grade school, he got the impression that some people had an easier time of it, and he was never one of those people.

His recollection of his early years was faint at best, but his mother often recounted how he never had an interest in girls. Whether this was wholly true or not, it felt correct. And though he knew he’d had crushes on other boys from an early age, he never acted on them because he knew what would happen if he did. 

But then high school rolled around, and he thought maybe it would be all right, as long as he could keep it under wraps. He started dating one of his classmates and for a couple of months, it was good. But the problem with good things is that they always lead to complacency and the desire for more over the regard for protection. They got greedy, and then the wrong people found out.

Ten got into his first and last fistfight that year. He didn’t remember exactly how it started, but all he knew is there was yelling, and his boyfriend was trying to pull him away, but—he’s not sure. Maybe he hadn’t gotten enough sleep that night, or too much. Or he was pissed about a grade he got already, or someone had bumped into him in the cafeteria—but he swung and he did not miss. 

He got the shit beat out of him after, but it was worth it; the single moment of shock, of stillness, as one of those assholes stumbled back, clutching his rapidly-purpling eye. Ten split a knuckle on his cheekbone. He remembered being proud that he made that boy bleed.

His mother wasn’t home when his boyfriend dragged him through the door. Ten could barely keep himself upright. He was bleeding everywhere; he’d lost a couple teeth, broken a couple fingers, split his lip. His little sister _was_ home, and she screamed when she saw him. But even at twelve, Tern was caring and dutiful. She brought him an ice pack and cleaned up his scrapes as best she could.

When their mom got home, she drove Ten to the hospital. She asked him what happened, and Ten told her. 

“Did you throw the first punch?” she asked.

“Yes,” he admitted.

“Ten, I’ll never be angry with you for standing up for yourself,” she said. “But what you did was wrong, not to mention dangerous. Never ever do something like this ever again. If they hit you, you go ahead and hit them back. But you never start it, you understand? I won’t raise my son to be violent.”

“Okay,” Ten murmured.

When Ten was released from the hospital later that evening, hand in a splint and stitches on his brow bone, his boyfriend met him in his backyard and broke up with him. Ten couldn’t blame him, but once he was alone, he cried anyway.

After that, Ten didn’t really date. He’d learned his lesson. Not here, not now. Not for boys like him, not yet. Sure, he was still bullied for it—it wasn’t like there was any hiding it anymore—but it wasn’t so bad. He’d indulge in secret hookups with random guys at parties—guys who were straight except for behind locked doors. Ten didn’t mind. He didn’t really care about any of them, and it was kind of fun to have a couple of jocks indebted to him because he knew their secret.

But then, he entered SM and he met Johnny. At first, he tried to convince himself that he just really wanted to be friends with him. _Yeah, he’s handsome, but so are a lot of guys here_ , he’d think. _That doesn’t mean I like him._

But it was always in the back of his mind. Now, Ten knew—he’d liked Johnny from the moment he laid eyes on him. It’s just that it wasn’t safe, and he was more than happy to let it break his heart.

Now, Ten waited in Johnny and Taeyong’s room for them to get back after a pit stop in the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. He didn’t wait long; just as he was finishing his granola bar, he heard their voices down the hall. 

“I’m gonna go grab some water,” Johnny said, only sticking his head into the room after Taeyong had entered. “I’ll be back in a few.”

The room was silent as Taeyong arranged himself on his bed. Ten decided to speak up.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I hope you don’t feel like I was using you.”

Taeyong gave him a smile. “You were,” he rebutted softly. “But that’s okay. I was using you, too, you know.”

Ten blinked. “How do you mean?”

“I didn’t want to bother you with it, because you had enough going on as it was,” he said. “Doyoung and I figured it out in the end.”

“So when—when you said you might be interested in me,” Ten began. “Was that a lie?”

“When you said you might be interested back, was _that_ a lie?” Taeyong countered. Ten shook his head. “So we understand each other, then.” He kicked his foot out gently, bumping Ten’s shin. “We both needed someone to hold on to while we sorted some things out.”

“Is that why you pushed me away?” Ten asked, feeling small. “Because you were done sorting?”

Taeyong, to his surprise, shook his head. “No, I only realized after I told you to talk to Johnny that it was high time I took my own advice.”

Ten nodded. “So,” he said after a moment of silence. “You and Doyoung.”

Taeyong laughed. “Yeah, us. We just didn’t know how to understand each other, that’s all.”

“You must have been sad, though,” Ten said. “Sometimes.”

Taeyong shrugged nonchalantly. “Sometimes,” he said. “But it was okay. I had you.”

Ten was about to open his mouth to say something, maybe apologize again, or thank him, but Johnny was back, water cup in hand. He sat down on the end of his bed next to Ten. “Are we… good here?” he asked, nodding back and forth between them.

“Yeah,” Taeyong said, smiling. “I have to go, anyway—the managers wanted to chat.”

“Okay.” Ten watched him as he grabbed his things. He was out in a matter of seconds, leaving Ten and Johnny alone.

“Hey,” Johnny said, after a beat.

“Hey.” For some reason, Ten felt shy. He knew they were going to have to talk, but now that he was confronted with it, he wanted to curl up and hide. The only thing left to say was that he was sorry again, and—and that he loved Johnny. But the old fear sparked in his bones. Was it safe? How could he even say it? Would Johnny say it back? What was he supposed to do if he didn’t? _I love you; I’ve loved you for years but I never knew how to do it right. I love you and I want to keep loving you. I love you, what do I do?_

“Do you want to start, or should I?” Johnny asked.

“Start?” Ten looked up at him, confused. Johnny’s eyes were sparkling, even though Ten could tell he was anxious. His hair was ruffled, messy from his beanie. He was perfect. _I love you, what do I do?_

“I’ll start then,” Johnny said with a nervous laugh. He played with his hands for a minute before he began to speak. “I—I’ve known for a while that I like boys. Even before I met you. But, you know, I don’t really look the part, so most guys don’t really see me. And so I think—I just got used to not really being seen. So when we first started—hooking up, I was fine with it because it was like—I mean, there wasn’t any attachment there. We were just doing each other a favor, that was all.” He sighed, brushing his hair back.

“But even so, I wanted more. Because I really like you Ten, and I wanted— _want_ —all of you. But it was frighteningly real. I could manage it, in my head, if we were just friends with benefits, or whatever you want to call it. But you, actually liking me as I am? That was foreign. You looked at me and all I could think was that you should be with someone better. And I know how it must have seemed to you—that I didn’t care, that I was afraid of my own feelings, or whatever. But it wasn’t any of that. It wasn’t that I didn’t want you, or didn’t like you. It was guilt.”

Ten could tell he’d been practicing this speech for a while. It left him feeling a little stupid, for multiple reasons. One, he hadn’t really prepared anything. Two, he couldn’t believe he’d been so uncaring. Johnny said it himself—he didn’t look the part. Ten had no idea where he was at with his own identity, had no idea what the details were of his inner turmoil. He’d taken one look and made up the rest, just because it fit how he’d decided things were supposed to go. Regret burned in his stomach, mixing with shame. It was just like with Taeyong—Ten was so selfish. This whole time, he’d been too consumed with his own heartache to have space for anybody else’s.

“I’m sorry,” Ten whispered. “I didn’t—I didn’t know. I thought—I mean, I’ve been with lots of guys who are straight except for with—when they were with me, and who don’t talk about it and don’t care and stay that way for the rest of their lives. And—and normally, that’s fine. So I thought, you know, what’s one more?” He looked up to find Johnny staring back intently. _I love you, what do I do?_ “But it wasn’t fine with you. It _hurt_ with you. And I thought, you know, that’s the price I have to pay, for choosing my straight best friend and—” Ten drew a breath. “—and then going and—and falling in love with him. That’s on me, and this is my punishment. And I—I was so wrapped up in all of that stupid shit—like, I was so busy being hurt that I didn’t stop to consider that you might be hurting, too.”

Johnny’s eyebrows crumpled. “You love me?” he asked, voice cracked and thin.

“Yeah,” Ten said, snapping his gaze back to his lap. _Might as well. One way or another, it’s all over now. If my love can’t be safe here, then where?_ “Yeah, I love you.”

“Hey, look at me.” Johnny’s hands found his cheeks; he guided Ten’s head up until he was looking him in the eye. “I love you, too.”

“And that’s okay?” Ten asked.

“And that’s okay.”

“Do you—“ Ten swallowed past the lump in his throat. “Do you still feel guilty? Because you shouldn’t.”

Johnny faltered a little. “Sometimes,” he said. “I don’t know what it is, exactly. It’s like—if I’m gonna go ahead and be gay, I might as well do it right.”

“There’s no right,” Ten said. “Or—it’s all right. I don’t know. What I’m saying is—I’ll take you just the way you are, thank you very much.”

“Yeah?” Johnny was leaning in. “Me, too. I choose you, all of you. I’ve loved you, love you, will continue to love you because I choose it.”

Ten couldn’t force the lump down anymore—it burst on his tongue and he found himself crying. He stretched forward anyway, kissing Johnny soundly. It was wet and weird, but it was also good and sweet. Johnny was shaking, too, crying with Ten, clinging to him, cradling his head in his hands. Ten had thought he would feel like he was falling, or flying, maybe, but instead he felt like he was being wrapped in a thick, warm blanket. The rot in his heart was gone.

They broke away laughing. Ten was already half in Johnny’s lap, but though his mind raced with all the things he wanted, it was all secondary. He was still sore from the night before, in any case.

Johnny seemed to be thinking the same thing. “Do you want—I mean, we have time, but…”

Ten shook his head. “Not now. Now, I just want—this.” He lifted their hands where they were clasped between them. “I wanna hold hands with you. I wanna lie next to you, and just… just have you.”

Johnny nodded and pushed him back, crawling up the bed so he was at his side, and then pulled him into his chest. “Yeah,” he said when they were settled. “I want this, too.”

Ten relaxed into Johnny’s body, wrapping one arm around him, nose pressed to the cotton of his t-shirt. “I kind of stumbled into it before,” he murmured. “Loving you. This time I’ll love you on purpose.”

  
Johnny just hummed contentedly, rubbing his back. Ten let his eyes flutter shut. _Johnny loves me_ , he thought. It wouldn’t be easy, with schedule conflicts, and constant public scrutiny, and work, all kinds of work. But Ten was patient, and he wasn’t greedy. The comfort was real this time, solid and sure. Though each time they would have to part ways would hurt, Ten knew the blow would be softened by their inevitable reunion. He couldn’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading!! my tumblr is [here](https://kjmsupremacist.tumblr.com/about)!
> 
> ALSO PLEASE TAKE MY SURVEY [here](https://forms.gle/oKpSBKeAQBU15g399)\--I want to know what people want to see next! it's just a few quick descs of my wips, and you just need to rate how interested you'd be in reading them ^^


	6. Chapter 6

Before he knew it, they were celebrating Johnny’s 25th birthday, and Ten’s 24th. Though Ten was on tour for both of them, he called Johnny both times. It was more difficult than it needed to be—Ten had somehow been under the mistaken impression that being in a group with more senior idols would be less chaotic. He had to kick Baekhyun out of his room (seriously, the sole of Ten’s foot made contact with Baekhyun’s ass) at the hotel for his own birthday just so he could talk to his fucking boyfriend. Taeyong managed to coax him away amid teasing whooping from Yukhei, giggling from Jongin, amused looks from Taemin, and worried shushing from Mark. 

So in summary, things were good.

Even after the pandemic hit and their tour was cut short, Ten couldn’t find it in him to be too upset. He was back in the dorms, and though both he and Johnny were busy with comeback preparation, at least they were in the same city again. At least Ten could sneak over to Johnny’s room or vice versa at night when their schedules were complete. 

And sure, between 127’s repackage, and the SuperM and WayV comebacks, and various online concerts and music show performances, there wasn’t a whole lot of time to be spared, but Ten liked to be busy. And when the whole group comeback was announced, along with the addition of two new members, Ten honestly couldn’t have been more thrilled.

“You know the fans are going to be watching for something,” Johnny pointed out, a note of nervousness in his voice. “We need to be careful.”

Ten gave him a look. “They’ll talk no matter what we do.”

“Still,” Johnny said. “It would probably be best not to make it too obvious.”

“Oh, c’mon,” Ten coaxed. “What’s the harm? It’s not like anyone is going to be able to confirm anything. People know we’re close.”

Johnny shrugged, and a few days later one of their managers came up and told them to play up their relationship during promotions, and that was that. Ten was going to be filming reactions with Johnny, maybe even doing a live, and also participating in a JCC because it would sell. Ten was more than happy to oblige.

Johnny, though, clearly had some reservations. Even fans seemed to be catching on—during a fancall, someone asked if Johnny would consider including Ten in a JCC. Johnny was tired that day as it was, so he was a little short with his response. Ten could hear the managers yelling from down the hall.

Later, they had filming for a dance practice, and Johnny gave Ten a couple of hugs for the cameras, but generally just stuck with Mark and Jaehyun the rest of the time. An uneasy feeling settled in Ten’s stomach. It was a pattern he was beginning to notice—Johnny would fill their fan service quota, and then leave him alone. Today, though, Ten could at least understand why. But it was hard to ignore or excuse every time, and a familiar melancholy found its way back into Ten’s heart.

Nevertheless, Johnny came to his room that night—Kunhang fled upon seeing him—albeit tired and upset. Ten let him cuddle close, rubbing his back absently. “You okay?” he finally asked when he felt the silence had stretched on far too long.

Johnny made a sort of noncommittal noise. “They certainly weren’t happy with me,” he replied. “I mean, I know I was curt. I’m just… tired.”

“Tired of what, exactly?” Ten asked, trying to keep his tone as neutral as possible.

“I just—I’m not sure I really like expressing this, us, on camera,” Johnny said. “It’s… kind of exhausting.”

“What,” Ten said, unable to keep the bite out of his voice. “Because it’s not real?”

“No,” Johnny said, sitting up sharply and frowning at him. “No, precisely because it _is_ real.”

“You just don’t want people to know. So it’s hard to pretend like you’re pretending you love me.” Ten frowned right back. “I’m not following.”

“You don’t understand,” Johnny said, and to Ten’s surprise his voice was soft. “I want to. I want to show it so badly, I want everyone to know but—but you know we can’t. And I’m afraid that all of this will lead to someone finding out, and we’ll get in trouble, and then we won’t be able to have anything.”

Ten blinked at him, anger leaving his body so quickly he felt like he might deflate. “Oh,” he said. “I-I mean, I wouldn’t break up with you, even if our stupid managers told us to do it.”

Johnny gave him a sideways look. “Thanks,” he said, letting out a short breath of nervous laughter. “I wouldn’t either.”

“Well, I’m glad we cleared that up,” Ten said, wry. “Listen, Johnny, whether you’re dating me or someone else, there will be different people who will get upset, even though dating is something that will happen eventually for all of us, one way or another.” Johnny nodded slowly. “Besides, look at our other members who’re together. Jeno and Jaemin are basically joined at the hip. Fans literally think they’re secretly married and-or soulmates. And Doyoung and Taeyong—they just got fucking couple rings, and people leave them be.” Johnny opened his mouth, but Ten raised his hand to stop him. “Don’t even get started on how it’s fine for all of them, and me, because they all look gay. Jeno looks even more like a heterosexual than you do. Especially now with your new hair.”

Johnny nodded, a small smile stretching across his face. “Okay,” he murmured, lowering himself back down at Ten’s side. “It’s just hard because I want to be, like, all over you, and I can’t.”

Ten giggled. “Yeah, I think we might get a stern talking-to if we did that.”

“Maybe.” Johnny was laughing, too.

“So I take it this means I can be obnoxiously supportive for the jacket shooting tomorrow?” Ten asked. “I like the suit they gave you.”

“Yeah,” Johnny said, sounding faintly embarrassed, but pleased. “Yeah, you can.” He paused. “I like the suit that they gave you, too.”

“You like that I’m basically naked,” Ten corrected, and Johnny just shrugged, unabashed.

“Yeah? I mean, I don’t know if you know this, but I think you have a nice body.”

“Oh, really?” Ten said. “No, I had no idea.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“I know.” Ten gave him a cheeky grin, almost snickering to himself when he remembered an idea he’d gotten in his head a few weeks back. “Though I mean, hey,” he continued, mischievous now, “Kunhang is gone and I don’t think he’ll come back until he sees you leave or I tell him he can, so…”

Johnny propped himself up on an elbow. “Weren’t you just complaining earlier today that you were sore?”

Ten looked him over nonchalantly. “Who’s saying I have to bottom?”

Johnny was silent for a moment. “Oh,” he said. “Oh, I see. I mean—I probably have to go shower, or something—um—”

“You don’t have to say yes,” Ten said quickly, a little worried now. “It’s okay.”

“No, no no no, I want to, I just feel—unprepared.” Johnny smiled self-deprecatingly. “Let me—let me go shower, and I’ll come back.”

Ten laughed. “Okay, take your time.” He watched Johnny struggle to get his shoes on. “I’m serious, take your time. I’ll still be here. I just… wanted to take care of you tonight, that’s all. If anybody should be nervous, it’s me.”

“Well, too bad, I’m being nervous for you,” Johnny replied, leaning down to kiss Ten on the forehead before speed walking out of the room.

Ten laughed aloud, hands over his face. _I think this is how I know I’m in a functional relationship_ , he thought to himself, shaking his head. _One minute we’re arguing, the next we’re talking about how much we love each other, and still the next we’re discussing fucking arrangements. I’ve made it in life._

Kunhang popped his head back in the room. “That… was quick,” he said. 

Ten laughed. “Oh my god, no, Johnny needs to grab a few things. He’ll be back in a few. If—if that’s okay.”

Kunhang just rolled his eyes. “You know, Hyuck and I are becoming friends. Maybe I’ll just go to his room.”

“I bet he’s at Mark’s,” Ten pointed out. 

“Well, then I’ll have the room to myself.” Kunhang grabbed a couple things out of his dresser and disappeared once again, throwing a, “Have fun!” over his shoulder.

Johnny returned about ten minutes later, hair still wet. He locked the door behind him, switching off the light. Ten’s night light flickered to life in the corner by his nightstand, and it was just enough to make out Johnny’s features. 

Johnny half-sat, half-tripped onto the bed, landing with an _oof_ noise, barely missing Ten’s leg. “Sorry,” he said, laughing.

“C’mere, dumbass,” Ten said, and Johnny crawled up to him. Ten’s chest felt heavy in the best way—Johnny was so handsome, and Ten was so lucky. 

“What’re you looking at me like that for?” Johnny asked, eyes crinkling with his smile.

Ten shook his head. “Nothing, I’m just in love with you.”

Johnny pushed his nose into Ten’s neck. His hair, cold from being wet, shocked Ten a little. “I love you, too.”

Ten gave him a quick kiss. “Okay, are we doing this? Have you ever bottomed before?”

Johnny rolled his eyes. “Yes, once or twice. And it’s not like I don’t finger myself sometimes.”

“Oh, good.” Ten grinned. “Then there’s nothing to talk about.” He pushed himself up, pulling his arm out from under Johnny, and clambering on top of him. Johnny tugs him close once he’s sitting, both hands cradling the back of Ten’s head.

Ten is reminded of the first time they ever did this, years and years ago. Ten on top of Johnny, Johnny’s hands framing his face, lips on lips. But though they were still clumsy, so much had changed. Johnny moaned into his mouth, rolling his hips up when Ten pushed his tongue past Johnny’s teeth. His skin felt like it was buzzing, almost; pride and lust and love all wrapped into one cumulative emotion that Ten didn’t understand how he had room in his whole body for. Their lips were bruising, probably, noses bumping. Ten pressed himself closer so he could grind against Johnny’s perfect abs. It was messy and dirty and somehow even still, all Ten could think was that it felt right.

_It’s you_ , he wanted to say, though it felt stupid and maybe insane. _It’s you, you’re the one I want under me and on me and next to me when I sleep; it’s you I want holding my hand on the way to breakfast and across the table from me at dinner. Every day. Every step of the way. Is that too much to ask? Can you love me completely, too?_

Johnny tilted his head back, wrenching himself away from Ten so he could breathe. “I get—” he said. “I get really sensitive when I bottom. So you should start prepping me now or I won’t last, I’m serious.”

“That’s really cute,” Ten replied, kissing the tip of Johnny’s nose when he made an embarrassed noise. “It’s okay if you come fast, though. I want you to feel good, yeah?” Ten sat back, spreading Johnny’s legs and scooting to kneel between them. “Besides, why come once when you can come twice, you know? Hips up.”

“I’m so tired, I think if I come more than once, I’ll pass out immediately and you will not be able to wake me up for like five or six hours,” Johnny said seriously, lifting up his legs so Ten could free him of his shorts and underwear. 

“Shirt too, I wanna see you,” Ten said, waving at him to undress himself. “Okay, then don’t come fast. Up to you.”

“I don’t think you really understand how much it’s kind of not up to me,” Johnny grumbled, and Ten just rolled his eyes and grabbed the lube out of his drawer. “Why am I the only one naked?” Johnny asked, reaching out to yank a little on the hem of Ten’s shirt. “C’mon, off.”

Ten pulled his shirt off in one fluid motion and tossed it onto the floor. “I’ll get to my pants later,” he said, going back to the lube so he could slick his fingers up. “Happy?”

“Happier.” But when Ten looked up, Johnny was smiling almost dreamily. “You’re gorgeous,” he murmured, and Ten just shook his head.

“Lie down more so I can prep you. Good, thank you. Ready?” Ten raised his eyebrows at him.

“Please,” Johnny huffed.

Ten pressed his finger in, basking in Johnny’s soft groan. Honestly, he was a little surprised that they hadn’t tried this sooner, but then again, they’d been pretty busy. Plus, they’d only really been actually dating for a year and a half or so. All the times before didn’t exactly count.

Johnny blew out soft breaths as Ten moved his finger in and out, twisting a little in Ten’s sheets, hair splayed across his pillow and eyes screwed shut. Ten’s cock throbbed in his pants, and he let out a shaky exhale. In some ways, he really hoped Johnny never found out just how tight he had Ten wrapped around his finger, just how much Ten loved him, because then Ten would be completely at his mercy. 

Ten added another finger, watching Johnny’s face contort as he adjusted to the stretch. Johnny whined high in his nose, a small, needy sound that Ten hadn’t heard from him before. _I get really sensitive when I bottom._ It was becoming clearer by the minute, and Ten couldn’t wait to see what he was like when Ten was really fucking him.

The third finger had Johnny shaking a little. Ten cautiously pet his free hand down Johnny’s thigh. “You okay?” he asked, just to be sure.

“Yeah.” Johnny’s voice was unsteady as well. “Yeah, ‘m fine, just feels really good.”

“Okay,” Ten said, unable to hide his smile.

“I warned you,” Johnny said, not missing it.

“And I’m thoroughly enjoying myself,” Ten replied, curling his fingers up to find Johnny’s prostate. He got it on the fourth try, and Johnny curled forward, abs flexing and chest heaving. “Right there?”

“I don’t know if I should ask you to do it again or not because I’m so fucking hard,” Johnny panted back. Ten did it again, blinking at him serenely when he moaned. “Fuck, Ten.” Johnny lowered himself back down slowly. “Just fuck me, I’m ready.”

“Anything you want,” Ten said. He struggled out of his pants, still kicking them off from where they were stuck around his ankles while he worked on spreading lube over his cock. 

Ten climbed up on top of Johnny, nudging his legs wider with his knees, hands braced on either side of his chest. Once he was settled, he reached down and lined himself up with Johnny’s hole. Slowly, he pushed in, doing his best not to overwhelm him, even though he kind of wanted to fuck him to tears just to see what would happen. He stilled when he bottomed out, leaning down to knock his forehead against Johnny. 

Johnny was fucking whimpering, so quiet Ten couldn’t hear until he got close. “Feel good?” Ten whispered.

“Yeah, fuck,” Johnny whispered back. “Mm, my god, Ten, have I ever told you you have a pretty cock?”

“No,” Ten said, trying and failing to suppress a giggle. “But thanks.”

“Well, you do. Gimme a sec,” Johnny said, reaching up to brush some hair out of Ten’s eyes with trembling hands. “You do,” he repeated. “Pretty just like the rest of you.” He kissed the corner of Ten’s mouth, moving down to his jaw. “I wanted to try this a while ago,” he admitted between kisses. “But I was worried you wouldn’t want to, cuz, like, I’m so much bigger than you, and stronger and stuff.”

Ten laughed. “Let me be very clear, if you didn’t fuck me, it would be an abysmal waste of dick.” Johnny gave an incredulous chuckle. “No, I’m serious. A waste. You’re, like, stupid hung, Johnny, you know that, right? Anyway,” Ten said, before they could get too distracted. “My point is I’m not topping every day. But I’m perfectly happy to top some of the time. How could I say no? You look amazing like this.”

Johnny moaned softly, pinching a little bit of the skin on Ten’s neck between his teeth. Ten took it for gratitude. “Okay,” Johnny said after a moment, voice rough, raising his head again. “You can move.”

Ten didn’t reply, just pulled out and then rocked his hips forward again, slow at first to make sure he wasn’t hurting Johnny, and then much faster when Johnny didn’t show signs of protest. It was a little cumbersome to keep himself pressed so close to Johnny, their foreheads knocking together, but Johnny didn’t push him away. Ten was grateful. He wanted this, wanted to hear everything, see everything that Johnny had to give him. He licked into Johnny’s open mouth; Johnny was too busy moaning to really kiss back, but Ten had to admit he adored this side of him. Normally, he was more in control of himself, but now he was completely relaxed into the bed, arms draped over Ten’s shoulders, expression blissful.

“Johnny,” Ten murmured softly. “You feel so fucking good. You’re so _tight_.” Johnny made a noise between a sob and a moan. If he was trying to talk, it was completely incoherent. “Yeah, _fuck_. God, you’re so hot,” Ten continued. “ _Fuck_ , Johnny. You sound _wrecked_. Did you know this would happen?” Johnny nodded, whining softly. “Can’t believe you’d let me ruin you,” Ten said.

“Who better?” Johnny said. His voice was faint and hazy, words almost slurred. “I don’t mind. _Want_ you to.”

“Jesus.” Ten was losing his rhythm, too wrapped up in Johnny to focus. “You’re so good, fuck. Want me to touch you?”

To his surprise, Johnny shook his head. “No, it’ll be too much, I think,” he explained. “I can come like this.”

“Fuck, okay,” Ten agreed. He’d worked up a bit of a sweat in his eagerness; he could feel it beading on his forehead and the small of his back. He looked down at Johnny and bit back a loud moan, His big cock was an angry red, and leaking precome against his stomach, shiny and wet. Ten sped his hips up, watching Johnny’s cock twitch weakly, more precome drooling out of the tip in fat drops. 

“Ten.” Johnny sounded like he was near tears. “Ten, I’m gonna fucking come, please—”

“Please what?” Ten asked, “What d’you need?”

“Faster,” Johnny begged, as if Ten wasn’t fucking him hard enough to make the bed creak as it was. 

Still, Ten tried, chasing his own orgasm at the same time that he was trying to get Johnny to his. Johnny shook beneath him; he had dug his nails into Ten’s back in an attempt to ground himself. 

Ten thought he had Johnny’s _come_ face memorized, but it was different here—he watched his eyes go from shut tight to rolled back in his head as he convulsed beneath him, come shooting out of his cock with enough force that it was splattering hot against Ten’s bare stomach. Johnny’s jaw was dropped all the way open, and he was panting out moans with every breath.

Ten was so busy watching that he didn’t realize he was coming too until he felt the sticky wetness of his release on his next thrust in. He slowed, finally letting his eyes flutter shut, head hovering a few inches above Johnny, sweaty bangs clinging to his forehead and temples.

_I just fucked Johnny Seo_ , he thought to himself when his brain was his own again, giddy. _Not got fucked by._ Fucked. _Fucked rough enough that he might have a limp tomorrow. Me, the one everyone calls a twink! Hah!_

“You look self-satisfied,” Johnny commented.

“You look exhausted,” Ten replied, deciding not to answer directly. “I’m going to go get a washcloth for you, and then I’m going to shower, because I’m fucking gross.”

Johnny grinned lazily. “Okay.”

Ten pulled on a dirty pair of sweats and grabbed a washcloth from his dresser, then hurried down the hall to the bathroom. Luckily, it seemed everyone was busy, so he didn’t have to answer for the come drying on his tummy. He slipped back into his room quickly, and handed the now-damp towel to Johnny. “When you’re clean, go ahead and sleep.”

“Okay.” 

Ten leaned over so he could give Johnny a gentle kiss. “So I take it I did okay?”

Johnny shoved him. “You know the answer to that question, don’t be an ass.”

“I’m not trying to be!” Ten defended. “So, yes? Because I really liked it. I want to do it again. You’re so cute when you’re getting fucked.”

“Leave me alone,” Johnny whined. “Go take your fucking shower.”

By the time Ten had taken his fucking shower, Johnny was asleep under the covers. Ten changed as quickly and quietly as he could, and then crawled into bed beside him. There was already a comfortable pocket of heat, and Ten snuggled close. Though he’d just showered, he was cold, and he pressed his feet to Johnny’s calves, cramming his toes between his legs and shoving one hand between his arm and his side to warm up his fingers.

Johnny jumped, shouting a little. “Oh my _god_ , your fingers are _ice_ ,” he complained.

“Yeah, and you’re here to fix it. It’ll be fine in a couple minutes,” Ten replied snidely, though he softened it with a kiss to the nape of Johnny’s neck. “Go back to sleep.”

“You’re lucky I love you,” Johnny mumbled.

“Love you, too,” Ten said, quiet. “Love you a lot.” He pulled Johnny tighter to him; Johnny took his cold hand in his big warm ones, rubbing a little to help heat him up. “Thank you for being… you.”

Johnny’s laughter rumbled in his chest. “Thank you for being you, too.”

“I mean that,” Ten murmured, closing his eyes. “All of you, even the mistakes and the ugly parts and the weird little bouts of nervousness. You’re not perfect and I like that about you so much. Makes me love you more.”

“You know it’s the same for me. About you.” Johnny’s reply was immediate, even though Ten knew he was tired. “You and your freezing hands and feet.”

Ten laughed, utterly delighted and incredibly touched at the same time. As Johnny drifted back down into sleep, Ten felt a happy tear slip down his cheek. He wanted so badly to go back and comfort his younger self. He could have never imagined it would work out this way. He wished he could go back in time and grab the 18-year-old version of him and shake him and say _everything will be okay, you dramatic dumbass. You don’t have to kill yourself over it. You are going to feel so much love it’s going to overwhelm you, it’s going to knock you flat on your fucking back. Just be patient, and try not to do anything stupid._

But it was like he and Johnny said. Neither of them was perfect. They were both stupid and callous at times, blinded by their own emotions but charging ahead anyway. And it worked out because they were also both loving and forgiving and kind. It was how they got through everything. Clumsy but sure. 

It had started so suddenly and so quietly, Ten hadn’t noticed until he was already in it. But now that he had taken the leap, he could take his time. Sure, they didn’t have as much of their youth. But Ten was growing certain it didn’t matter in the slightest. He knew it every time he saw Johnny smile, felt it each time his heart leapt in his chest, tasted it in every kiss. This love, though a bit battered now and worn, was still just as sweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all SO MUCH for the love you've given this story!! I never ever expected it. as some of you may have noticed, this is now part of a series. I will be adding another work next-next Saturday that will consist of two chapters from Johnny's perspective, since it was highly requested. thank you all again for reading, and johnny, ten, and i will see you soon ^^
> 
> in the meantime, you can go check out my other works, or come chat on [Tumblr](https://kjmsupremacist.tumblr.com/about). on that page is a link to my buy me a coffee if you have a few dollars to throw my way ^^ no pressure tho! i'm not in dire need, just a struggling college student :)


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